a letter and a rant.

A letter to the Holy Spirit:

Beloved:

How beautiful and powerful you are! Fountain of Eternity, my Consoler! I write to ask you to forgive me, Beloved. My eyes have just been opened. In the depths of my heart, even though I did not acknowledge it in my mind, I felt abandoned by You. I saw others weep at your Presence while I remained unmoved. I wanted miracles worked in my soul, and it seemed to me that I received none.

But now I see, just how much you are in me and I in You. You know how much my enemies hate me, how they attack me. I felt tossed by the waves and wept. But now I see that while I wept you kept the boat in control. While I lamented my weakness you were there fighting my enemies. Thanks to You, I've remained in You. And now my eyes are opened at how much you breathe into my Life. And suddenly my life, my past and present which seemed to me engulfed in mild darkness, shines forth by the memory of Your work in it. And my future shines with the promise of Your continued Presence. Beloved, forgive my ingratitude. Now I sing, Thanks! Hosanna to the Spirit of the Lord!

Beloved, please, conquer me.

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So, the other day, I saw a huge jackrabbit... let me rephrase that... I saw a MONSTROUSLY ENORMOUS Jackrabbit. It was as big as a middle-sized dog! See, there aren't many animals around here that like jackrabbit for supper...therefore the jackrabbits remain unchallenged. The only thing that threatens their life are cars whenever they decide to cross a street.

But man, this thing was HUGE.

I saw this jackrabbit while I was driving...now, read that again. DRIVING... I know for all of you western people of the world driving is a common activity. But I am almost 22 and I didn't know how to drive until some months ago. I have finally broken that cultural barrier. I am almost "westernized" now... ha! (probably "westernized" is not the right word to use, after all, Mexico is in the western hemisphere...but you get the idea).

I think I am finally ready to take the driving test... please pray that I pass it! If I do my friends have promised to throw a "she-finally-drives" party, just like the "she-got-a-work-permit" party when I received permission from Immigration to work.

Moving up my friends, moving up the social scale

stuff

Ha! so by now all the readers are gone...sad! sorry for not posting in 4 days! wow! Its because I've spent all my time online reading "Come Rack!Come Rope!" online...mm yeah, my eyes hurt! Beautiful, beautiful. A little "old-school," at the beginning hopelessly cheesy but that just makes it better. Its pretty much the same basic story as "By What Authority?" just different characters and slightly different setting... but still pretty good.

Anyway, at my parish we are starting a Young Adult Group, for those people who don't really fit into the "college student" category anymore but don't feel like joining the 50 year olds who get together for Bible Study... and, we are supposed to write our "testimony" for next week... eek!
I mean, during High School and College I gave my "testimony" several times, but I dunno, this time I am in a weird spiritual place... I think I've gone forward...somehow-ish...I think...mmm..

maybe writing it out will help me realize where I am right now, not that it really matters... my spiritual director keeps telling me "don't worry so much about your soul" not that he wants me to be lukewarm but because I tend to get the over-analyzing/scrupulous/rely on myself instead of God sortof attitude. Maybe I should just write it to "sing the mercies of God" like St. Therese of Liseux.

I might post it once I am done.

God bless!

p.s. I feel that I need get back in touch with Father Francis, I feel I've kindoff neglected him lately... but I bet he would smile and say "the freedom of the children of God!"

Yay for Mass Media!

So I am reading "Under What Authority?" a great novel about the English Reformation, I am looking forward to reading "Come Rack! Come Rope!" by the same author on the Project Gutenberg online. They have a bunch of his writings there so I foresee sore eyes from reading a novel in a computer monitor! :) The author is Father Robert Hugh Benson and anglican convert (1871-1914).

"Under What Authority?" is pretty great, specially because it is a historical novel and most of the characters and places are REAL... awesome! It has a great narrative of the martyrdom of St. Edmund Campion and others. I am about to finish it and unless it has an incredibly bad ending I recommend it :)

As I've mentioned before Father Francis De Sales is the patron saint of writers and the Catholic Press, so I am absolutely sure that he would have loved the development of Catholic Fiction. Even thought its audience is pretty limited (I can totally see how a non-catholic would be offended if he read some catholic fiction novels) I think that those who read them benefit tremendously. Fr. Hugh Benson makes a great job of incorporating spirituality and apologetic lessons into the story. I have had to stop at times in my reading in order to take in what he just wrote.

Oh!, I sense an opportunity for shameless advertisement!: talking about Catholic Fiction don't forget to visit my other blog Catholic Parables and enjoy! *end of shameless advertisement*

Another great piece of media is the DVD John Paul II by Ignatius Press. Orthodox, with some artistic freedom but still historically accurate. I am glad finally we are starting to see some good Catholic Movies...some saint movies are... well... lets say that as an Electronic Media and Mass Communications major I wonder how in the world the producers passed Introduction to Film Making!

oh well... (sigh contentedly) I love criticizing Media... after all that is what I was studying for the last 3 years.

end of transmission

stuff stuff

About the "extra emotional-physical effort" that was required of me...well, Once again He proved Himself to be the Greatest! In fact, what I thought would be taxing and exhausting ended up invigorating me!

Pentecost was this Sunday. I usually don't pray to the Holy Spirit... but this Pentecost has brought around new graces. He is the Consoler. Don't miss out on having a relationship with Him, He is Beauty, Light and Fire. Talk to Him today...

I was out of the country this weekend so I went to a church that I had never been at. Turns out the priest that celebrated is a "new" priest. It was his first mass in that church and he was also "new" as in extremelly young. And when I say "extremely young" I mean extremely young as in the youngest priest I've ever seen. He is probably between 25-28! (went to minor seminary probably at 14 the approved age for minor seminary in this country.)When he came in I was like "is that the priest?" and he was full of zeal, his voice clear and a great Spirit filled homily. Totally humble. Sometimes I read about horrible liturgical-abuse filled Novus Ordo masses...well, you just have to come down to this church to see a liturgically-correct, rightly incultured Novus Ordo mass. Awesome! So, it was a great Pentecost...

a beautiful thing he said during the homily: Every time we resist temptation, every time we chose good, every time we pray...that's the Holy Spirit! I hadn't realized He is so involved in my life. When I breathe he is sustaining me, I battle temptation every single moment and He is there sustaining my thoughts, being my Light in this darkness...Praise the Holy Spirit!!

strenght

To the Generous Reader:

I appreciate your generosity so much! but I think it will be best if the article we discussed was given to some religious order/church. I know the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal are in England and they are pretty orthodox. Also in the links to the right you will see a bunch of links to Visitation Monasteries (the ones founded by St. Francis). I would LOVE to have this article but the cost to send it where I live would be very high plus I could not assure it gets here in good shape. Thank you again for your generosity! God bless!

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Anywho. Its been a trying couple of days. I am exhausted in many ways but some extra-emotional/physical effort has been asked from me. I told Him that I didn't want to do it, that I was too tired...But today at work I received a Grace.

the reading for the Liturgy of the Hours says: "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 9-10 I am truly exhausted and feel I have not strenght to be patient and loving... but by His Grace I TRUST that HE WILL BE STRONG. I can't but He can!
I believe!

being burned out in the desert

This is a personal rant. Beware. This last year has been one of the most trying and at the same time one of the most blessed. I have moved 12 times, I have been in 10 different cities, in 4 different countries, in 2 different continents. I had to do some family crisis management. In a week I went from being the youngest daughter to being the only provider with a job that pays less than $1500.

Now things are finally settling down...

but towards the middle of this craziness life became a battle. I mean, thanks to His Grace I've stayed faithful but prayer became so structured that I felt I was squizing Him into time slots. Spiritual/ emotional/ financial struggles of all sorts started falling on me. Satan saw I was tired and decided to attack...

But my Christ loves me and would not abandon me and has kept me going and now is leading me to green pastures and to quiet waters. The other day I saw a movie based on the life of St. Francis of Assisi. And I kept thinking, where did all my zeal go? what happened to all the love in my heart? and I usually don't pray to the Holy Spirit (I know, i know) but for some reason I started asking him to come. To transform me. Yesterday at work for some reason I had to take a time management online training... and one of the activities was to rate how satisfied you are with how the different areas of your life are going ...well... it turns out I am not happy with even one of them. And the conclusion... I am burned out.

I mean...duh! but it took the Holy Spirit's power to order everything so I would realize that I am burned out.

So there you go. I am Ali (now say "hello Ali") and I just found out I am burned out.

So its renewal time. Its time to go to green pastures and still waters. I'm going to drop the church groups I am involved in (how can I give what I do not have?), start swimming again, go back to painting and above all get some solitude, spend time alone with Him. I am always surrounded by people and I am in desperate need of JUST Him for a while.

Its break time. (but don't worry! I'm not stopping this blog!)
I am going to go talk with my spiritual director tomorrow, let's see if he has anything to add. I feel good about the decision to drop things and spend some time/money in myself... I don't think its selfish because I am doing it so I can love Him better.

And I am happy because my Shepherd is truly caring for me. Its great. He is taking me into his arms and telling me to slow down. To rest in his arms for a little while. To let Him do the walking.

I love you my beloved Shepherd. I am the luckiest lamb of all the world for having such a master.

trips, comments and one more jackrabbit

It turns out the course was cancelled because the professor was called by his Order to go somewhere else. *tear. They said that the classes will be available for the Fall.. but man! As a true daughter of this instant-gratification-generation I say "but I want it now!"... anywho.

Oh, and to you all who read this blog...cuz I know there is people reading it (yay for site meter) please comment! so I know if you hate it, love it or wassup. In that way I can improve this little blog. Plus, there is people from all over the world reading this little thing and I would love to say hi! and in some shameless advertising, don't forget to visit Catholic Parables my other blog. ok, enough of shameless advertising, ha!

If you are one of those people blessed with stupidly enormous amounts of money and you have a job in which you can take off whenever you want you should think about going in this Salesian Pilgrimage. (The people over there should pay me for doing all this advertising). Its going through the footsteps of Father Francis in France and Switzerland. I bet its going to be amazing, probably they will see the incorruptible heart of Father Francis over at Annecy!

But if you are one of those blessed mortals that live in Europe and have the joy of being a member of the European Union (no visa to travel woo hoo!) you have no excuse to not have visited these places, I've been in Europe, I know everything is really close (compared to stuff in the Americas) so you should go! As for me I might stop eating and live under a bridge for the next five years. Maybe then I can pay for a ticket ha!

And for the sake of randomness.... a jackrabbit:

God bless all the jackrabbits of the world.

p.s. I apologize for the stream of conciousness writing. I seem to be suffering of the effects of a sugar/caffeine withdrawal.

I am a...

I like the definition. Quite accurate though I don't know what they mean by a ''narrow view of orthodoxy." Plus I don't think post V2 years were of ''collapse of the Catholic faith." Though I wouldn't know since I wasn't around preV2, but the Church I've known and loved all my life has been vibrant, alive and orthodox. But maybe that's cuz I am from a third world country. Did I receive a horrible catecheses? (sp?)Yeah, but I don't think preV2 was much better. My parents and grandparents had a tremendous ignorance also but with V2 I have had the chance to correct that through amazing new movements and initiatives very much within the real spirit of V2

You scored as New Catholic. The years following the Second Vatican Council was a time of collapse of the Catholic faith and its traditions. But you are a young person who has rediscovered this lost faith, probably due to the evangelization of Pope John Paul II. You are enthusiastic, refreshing, and somewhat traditional, and you may be considering a vocation to the priesthood or religious life. You reject relativism and the decline in society that you see among your peers. You are seen as being good for the Church.

A possible problem is that you may have a too narrow a view of orthodoxy, and anyway, you are still a youth and not yet mature in your faith.

What is your style of American Catholicism? created with QuizFarm.com

Random Thought: For a while it seemed that my subconscious wasn't aware of the results of this last conclave, until a couple of weeks ago when I had my first B16 dream. We were both sitting in a very comfortable couch in some fancy house (I think I thought it was his) he was reading a book. We did not talk. We were just chilling. B16 and me.

saints, sleep and Love.

So... it's dawned on me. At the beginning of my prayer life I had ''night time prayer" It was pretty much just being with Him. We would just talk, or I would read a book and talk to Him, or praise Him with music or art. As my life changed and I needed more structure I was called to the Rosary, and then to the Liturgy of the Hours... but I've always had that "unstructured" just being with Him. Until some months ago. I don't even know when. I graduated from college, and started working. Somehow I became busy with 8 hours of work, giving time to family and friends, a ministry I help out with and structured prayer... but I stopped having the ''just Him and me" time... The structured prayer kept me praying and has fed me so , so I'm not going to say that it has been bad, but definitely it has been really painful, and more difficult. I kept stumbling losing focus of Him... but it was not until today that the relation between lack of my ''just Him and me" time and my difficulties has dawned on me.

See, He had called me (through St. Francis of Sales) to wake up earlier every morning for prayer. First he presented it to me as mortification. And mortification it became! gosh! the first days were wonderful, the stillness, Him. But little by little I stopped going to bed early, so it became harder and harder to wake up in the morning... now I still put on the alarm... but just to shut it off whenever it rings and go back to sleep.

I lost focus again. Its not about mortification. Not about what I am doing for Him... in every single thing that I think I am doing for Him, I should look and realize what He is doing for me. Its not about just plain obedience. Its about LOVE.

So, surfing the web today I found the writings of Hermano Rafael, a Blessed. He was a Spanish Trappist monk. Died in 1938 at the age of 27. Most of his writings are still only in Spanish (this is when I love being bilingual) I read one of his letters to his parents, one of them talks about how he struggles with sleep and how he fights it... and that's when it dawned on me. Through my good brother Rafael. I think I've found a new friend.

Please pray that I become faithful to Him who has loved me first. That I defeat sleep and encounter my beloved in the early hours of the morning. That He reveals himself to me and quiets down my soul. That we fall in love again.

Thanks.

relics and stuff

Loving Kindness. Our God is so good. Sometimes I grow scared because of the amount of evil in this messed up world. Sometimes the enemies of my soul attack furiously. And I grow scared. But how wonderful, how great, how glorious it is to have Our Good God. Our Good Shepherd, who takes us in his arms. Who never leaves when the wolves are close by. Who will defend us with His very life. I am safe. We are safe. We are in the arms of Christ, all we have to do is rest our heads against his chest, ignore the raging of the enemies and concentrate on the beating of His Heart.

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On another note, a reader commented he/she has a relic of St. Francis of Sales...man!! does anyone know what is the process to get a relic? I mean, I know a first degree is kindoff impossible, but how could I get a second or third degree? thanks! Oh! and I read somewhere that in a Visitation Convent in Italy they have his incorruptible heart! That is just amazing!

By the way, I should get back into reading his letters.. I've been kindoff neglecting him cuz' I've been having a hard time spiritually. Which is a stupid thing to do, I have to say...

Anywho, I read in a book of his letters "While feeling a holy envy for those souls to whom these letters were written..." and it got me thinking. Yeah, it would have been great to be alive back then and to be able to meet him personally, but when we think about it, they didn't have 24/7 access to him, I mean, he was an incredibly busy Bishop...but we do!

Also, before he went to Heaven, he was still very much limited by time and space, meaning that even those closest to him (Jane de Chantal) suffered separation from their beloved director... but we don't! It is true that I don't get to go to Confession with him, but most of the time neither did the people who knew him personally. So actually, I think we have it better. 24/7 access! God is so good.who hoo!

hair, turtles, worship and service

Cut my hair yesterday, from extremelly long it went to barely under my jaw... WOW! BIG CHANGE! I have to get used to it, I keep looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who that is! ha ha! Anyways, I'm sending the ponytail to Locks of Love, you donate your hair and they make wigs for kids with cancer. Pretty cool if you ask me, I know several people with cancer and plus, its just hair! hair grows back! If you are thinking about cutting your long hair anytime soon, I really recommend doing the Locks of Love thing. Cutting my hair is always a big change, it really shows me how vain I can be! I like it but I keep comparing my hair to my friends! man! that is so high school! I am supposed to be beyond that! Oh well, I wonder what Father DeSales would say, he would probably tell me I analyze things too much and that yes, indeed, I am very vain.

Anywho. Now its time for a little rant.

And obtain for me, Oh Mary, love of God and love of neighbor.

These last days I’ve been having some minor revelations which all put together have made me understand so much! They come from His two fold commandment of “love God and love your neighbor.” Somewhere amongst the many things I read, I read that worship and service are the ways in which we love God. I had never though deeply about worship and service and how this two fulfill the Commandment. Its pretty amazing stuff!

WORSHIP
You know how it is if you go to daily mass for a while. At some point you kind off stop paying attention, your mind wanders, you start thinking about jackrabbits and turtles and all kinds of random stuff. Mass becomes this time to “unwind.” If you are lucky the bells of the consecration startle you and you make a minor effort to pay attention again…wait.. no? you never get distracted? Well, then its probably just little pagan me. Anyway, it happens to me often and sadly I have to say I hadn’t put much effort into fixing the situation. I just hadn’t realized the importance of it. But lately I have been reading all this blogs that talked about the importance of the Liturgy and I also read about their frustration with liturgical abuses. But I kept thinking "c'mon, the love in our hearts is what matters, what’s the big deal?”

Well…now I get what’s the big deal! Thanks to the random discovery of an old Baltimore Catechism I’ve learned that the Mass is our main act of worship to our God, it’s the moment when we are truly before Him offering him the Eternal Sacrifice! Yeah, I know that you all knew this, but people! This is news to me! I’ve probably heard it somewhere before but for the first time in my life these last days I’ve listened!

The love in my heart is expressed through my preparation, attentiveness and thanksgiving in Mass. I might have love in my heart for my boyfriend, but if I don’t pay attention to what he says, or make a minimum effort to prepare for a date or thank him for his kindness then…well… I doubt the truthfulness of that love!

Also, all other forms of worship derive from the Mass. For example Adoration, the Liturgy of the Hours, personal prayer, our daily work and sacrifices, aspirations through out the day… our punctual, diligent, beauty-filled, celebration of this acts of worship point to the reality of our Love for Him who loved us first!

SERVICE

But His commandment is not only ''Love your God", it also says ''Love your neighbor," since how can we love God who we can't see if we don't love our neighbor that we see?

I knew this, obviously, but just lately I’ve started to understand what it means.
The first epiphany was about what LOVING means. For a long time I used to think that loving my neighbor was not gossiping, not lying, not being impatient or angry.... but now I realize one thing...that is just not offending my neighbor! I am called to love them, not only to not offend them! I am called to go out of my way to be kind, gentle and truly of service! I am not only called to not get angry, I am called to be patient and loving. I’m not only called to not ignore people, I am called to befriend the friendless, to give that person no one invites to things a call. To do everything with a smile. When anyone leaves my presence he or she should feel cared for! not only not offended! We are held to a higher standard. If right now we are just “not offending’’ our neighbor, then we should be doing more. Going the “extra-mile” should be an every-encounter routine.

My second little epiphany had to do with PROXIMITY. When I was younger I wanted to go ''off somewhere'' and do ''God's work," you know, do the whole missionary thing. Going to another country, doing grand things, write big books, heal the sick, console the poor somewhere far off... but then reality sets in. My obligations to my family have ''limited me'' and I am now in a small city, and it seems I might be here for the long run. But then God slapped me and made me understand. Apart from the pride that was involved into wanting to do ''grand things for God but according to my will," I realized I am to love those closest, because if I don't how could I ever love strangers? If I don't love those that I can see, how could I ever truly love those off in Asia or Africa that I do not see?

If I don't love those closest to me it is almost a sure sign that my love for strangers is false and based on pride. Mother Teresa said: "It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start." she also said "Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."

I think that if we want to Love we should begin with our family. These people are usually the ones that upset us the most, many times if we treated our friends like we treat our brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers we would be friendless pretty soon. I know that many people don’t live near their families, but still, these are the people that God, in His plan, has designated to be in our hearts forever, for better of for worse. A friend might stop being one but your father will always be your father.

And when we do ministry (as all of us should) I say, look around the town you are at! There is a reason we are where we are right now. I became surprised at seeing the poverty that exists in my town, the homeless, the poor recent immigrants, the abandoned elderly... they are all right here, right now. I can go and give them a visit, but instead I send money to some far away organization and feel good about myself. I am not saying that you should stop supporting the ''save africa" or ''save china'' organizations... I am just saying that we should focus on those closest to us. These are the people the Lord has put in our path. These are the main people we are supposed to love and serve. Obviously there are those called to be missionaries, but I bet a missionary will never be effective if he didn't love those closest to him before he went off.

So in conclusion. Lets be prepared, attentive and thankful for Mass. Let all our acts of worship be truly fulfilling our call to Love God. And let us love our neighbor, the one closest to us, by not only not offending them, but by loving them to the point of sacrifice.

End of rant.