Yesterday afternoon I was taking a walk on Campus... The tall trees poured their leaves like a waterfall, and the sun was gentle, the sky was big. A beutiful clear afternoon... I dialed in my cellphone the phone of my granparents (who live in another country) and my granma picked up.

When I heard her voice suddenly all the beuty of the trees, the sky and the evening disappeared. She was having a dementia episode... everything became grey.

Her voice over the phone made want to break into tears. She recognized me, but she couldn't remember where I was ( I moved away 7 years ago yet she kept being surprised about me not being in our hometown).... she sounded scared, nervous, confused, yet, being the proper lady she is she tried to mask it saying "oh! we are all fine!" I talked to her a little, but she was too nervous to hold a conversation. She kept asking over and over where I was and when I would tell her she would say worriedly "oh! you are so far!" It broke my heart. My throat became a knot.

we said our goodbyes and she hanged up hurriedly.

I stood there in the afternoon. wanting to weep. and lifting my soul "Lord!"

I kept walking. The trees and the grass and the sky were so inviting and seemed memories of an inocent carefree time. And suddenly, I felt Therese present.

Hallo! it was like she had said and started walking besides me.
We didn't say anything... but somehow her prescence made me remeber her dad.

Therese of Liseux's dad died of dementia.

He was a a sweet and strong father and a holy man that raised 4 carmelites, one of them an extraordinary saint....

I sighed and pictured him, young again, strong, manly and holy walking besides me and his daughter Therese... and I asked him to take care of my own poor granma...

Even though I can't see them... I bet he looked kindly upon me and nodded.

Today a friend told me he was praying form my granma, out of the blue....

Thank God for the Saints.

Mother Teresa

Ok, so you've GOT to check out THIS LINK

It's about Mother Teresa's Dark Night of the Soul which seems to have been...ahem...long.
And by "long" I mean...LOOOONNNGG. Pretty much the rest of her life after she started working in Calcutta.

It seems that her work had a "spiritual side" no one knew about... her spiritual life was and echo of Jesus' piercing cry "My God, My God why have you abandoned me?"

Redemptive suffering...What she suffered is so...so...beautiful.
I really can't describe it... I mean... I know it was horrible and heart-breaking and it almost broke her soul...but she was Victorious. She was faithful...and her Beloved embraced her at the end...and the darkness was lifted.

I'm so moved...

a letter from a friend

It had been a while, but Father De Sales sent me a letter today... and like always, it was exactly what I needed to hear...

Do not look forward to the trials and crosses of this life with dread and fear. Rather, look to them with full confidence that, as they arise, God to Whom you belong, will deliver you from them.He has guided and guarded you thus far in life. Do you but hold fast to His dear Hand, and He will lead you safely through all trials.

Whenever you cannot stand He will carry you lovingly in His arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father Who cares for you today will take good care of you tomorrw and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you the unfailing stregth to bear it.

Be at peace then and puta side all useles thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations...

St. Francis De Sales

Father De Sales always knows the right thing to say...

Conversations...

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul.

Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with Your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart.

Soul: Lord I hear Your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so. Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle. Soul: Lord I recognize Your holiness and I fear You.

Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold. for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth - the tabernacle - and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue of guards. You can come to Me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire World. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed Myself to be nailed to the Cross; for you I let My Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace.

Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but You did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.

Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy

-From the Diary of St. Fautina Kowalska

Getting to know Father.

About St. Francis of Sales from the book "Sage and Saint"

Let those who see in him only a gentle pastor watching over tender sheep and lambs in the midst of meadow flowers accompany him in his missionary combat. They will discover in him the warrior about whom Saint Paul tells us, who "has put on the armor of faith and of love; and for a helmet, hope of salvation"

This has been my experience while reading this book. I thought I knew my Father De Sales, but it turns out he is deeper, more mystical and corageous than I ever thought. I feel a little intimidated to have such a spiritual director. What will God ask of me? whatever it is Lord! Thy Will be done!

Abraham, St. John and God's Will

"The LORD said to Abram:'Go forth from the land of your kinsfolk and from your father's house to a land that I will show you'...Abram went as the LORD directed him..." Gn.12



That's today's gospel...
there is a beautiful mediation of it on the "Word Among Us" website:

As a nomad, Abram spent his life traveling from place to place with his livestock and his family. Like his relatives, he worshipped the gods of his people. Yet one day, Yahweh intervened in Abram’s life with startling generosity. He revealed himself to Abram, calling him to go to a “land that I will show you” (Genesis 12:1). And with these words, God initiated a plan that continues to unfold today, and will go on into eternity.

Abram was deeply touched by God’s revelation, and he gathered his family and his people and went where he was told to go. But God did more than give him a new land; he established a covenant with him. He promised Abram that he would bless him, make him a blessing to others, and even bless anyone who honored this man in any way. He promised to watch over Abram, care for him, and lead him to life and goodness. No longer did Abram have to wander aimlessly, without purpose. He would know that God had created him, loved him, and was dedicated to having a personal relationship with him.

Brothers and sisters, Abram’s story is our story, too. We, too, have been called by name to follow God and receive his blessings. Our heavenly Father is completely committed to lead us, bless us, and share his love with us. He has taken the initiative in our lives by loving us and sending Jesus. What’s more, he has made a covenant with us—and sealed it in nothing less than the blood of his own Son.

Think about all God has done for you, and then ask whether anything can possibly separate you from his love. You are never alone or forgotten, for God is always with you. Is there anything God won’t do to give you a share in his joy, his power, and his plan? Your merciful and generous Father chose you from the beginning of time, and he cherishes you still today. He is committed to bringing you to heaven. He longs for the day when you will join Abraham and all the saints in a chorus of praise and adoration before his throne.

A year ago I was a "nomad"... every christian that found out about my life would look at me in disbelief and then say "just like Abraham!" I moved 12 times around two different continents and 3 different countries. It was out of love for my family. I learned to Love. It was extremlly trying, but it was one of the happiest times of my life. I knew I was doing His Will. That was enough.

But now things have slowed down. Life has become going to work, exercising, eating and sleeping. A normal life. No longer a "pilgrim's" life. Yet even here, in the monotony of today, this is what He asks of me. His Will.

Usually I go to mass to the chapel in a hospital here in town. The priest is from Africa (I love how now Africa, India and the Phillipines are the ones sending the missionaries). And his homily was powerful and beautiful, the main message was this:

In the feast of the Birth of St. John the Baptist we have to think of ourselves, why was I born? just like St. John we are born with a purpose, a
mission... to do God's will. God didn't just created us IN HIS IMAGE and then threw us into the world. He made us with a propose. We are in His Image because like St. John we are also his forerunners. We come before the Lord announcing His comming. Find your purpose, ask Him and He will tell you. His Will might be for you to be a good wife, a good husband, a good child, a good worker,a good priest. If we don't do His Will we will be miserable in this life and in the next. St. John combined two seemingly opposing virtues: humility and fearlessness, let us do God's will humbly and fearlessly!

Last year I was called to be a pilgrim and a daughter. Today I am called to be a daughter and a worker. His Will is always challenging and wonderfully beautiful. And just like with Abraham, Yahweh walks with us and his generosity exceeds everyone's. I bow before You, God of my father's and my God. Your Will be done!

Offering as a Victim to God's Merciful Love

O my God, most Blessed Trinity, I desire to love You an to make You loved, to work for the glory of your Holy Church by saving souls here below and delivering those who are suffering in purgatory. I desire to perfectly fulfill your will and to reach the degree of glory You have prepared for me in your heavenly kingdom. In one word, I desire to be a Saint, but I know how helpless I am and beg You, O my God! to be Yourself my Holiness.

Since You loved me so much that you gave me your only Son as Saviour and Spouse, the infinite treasures of his merits are min. I joyfully offer them to You, begging You only to see me reflected in the Face of Jesus and in his Hear aflame with love.

In addition I offer You all the merits of the Saints (in Heaven and here on earth), their acts of love as well as those of the Holy Angels. Finally I offer You, O Blessed Trinity! the Love and merits of the Blessed Virgin, my dearest Mother; to her I give my offering, beseeching her to present it to You.

My Beloved Spouse, her divine Son, while here on earth said: "If you ask the Father for anything in my name, he will give it to you!" So, I am certain You will grant my prayer. O my God! I know that the more You want to give the more You make us desire. In my heart I feel immense desires, and I confidently ask You to take possession of my soul. I cannot receive Holy Communion as often as I would like; but Lord are you not the All Powerful?... Abide in me as You do in the tabernacle, do not ever abandon Your little host...

I want so much to console you for the ingratitude of the wicked and I implore You to take from me all possibility of displeasing You. If through weakness i sometimes fall may your Divine Glance immediately purify my soul, consuming all my imperfections, as the burning fire transforms all things into itself...

I thank You, O my God! for all the graces You have bestowed on me and specially for having purified my soul in the crucible of suffering. How joyfully I will contemplate You on the last day, when I see you carrying your sceptre the Cross. Because you have let me share that precious Cross, I hope to resemble You in Heaven and see shining on my glorified body the holy wounds of your Passion...

After this earthly exile I hope to enjoy You forever in Paradise, but I do no want to lay up treasures for myself in Heaven. I wish to work only for love of You, with the sole aim of pleasing You, of consoling Your Sacred Heart, and of saving souls who will love You for all eternity.

In the evening of this life, I will appear before You with empty hands, for i do not ask You , Lord, to count my good works. All our righteousness is imperfect in your eyes. I wish therefore to be clad in your Righteousness and to receive from your Love the everlasting gift of Yourself. I desire no other Throne or Crown than You, O my Beloved!...

In your sight time is nothing, one day is as thousand years. In a single instant You can prepare me to appear before You...

So that my life may be one single act of perfect Love, I offer myself as a holocaust to your Merciful Love, imploring You to consume me without cease, allowing the waves of your infinite tenderness to overflow into my soul, that I become a Martyr of Your Love, O my God!...

May this martyrdom after having prepared me to appear before You, cause me at last to die and may my soul fly without delay into the eternal embrace of Your Merciful Love...

O my Beloved, I desire with each heartbeat, to renew this offering an infinite number of times, until the shadows flee and I can forever repeat my Love to You in an Eternal Face to Face.

Marie, Francoise, Therese of the Child Jesus

and the Holy Face - unworthy Carmelite

Feast of the Most Blessed Trinity

on the 9th day of June in the year of grace 1895

a good friend...

You all know her, I mean, she is one of the most popular Saints in all history. She's been another one of my good companions. In fact, my decision to follow Christ was because of her. I was around eight I guess and one Saturday morning of "catechism" I was playing and running like a headless chicken inside the empty church when I noticed something in a pew. It was a little booklet. A little comic-book of her life. I read it, cuz I've always been a voracious reader and thought..."I wanna be like her!"

And it all started.

I've read "Story of a Soul" several times. My relationship with her is different than my relationship with Father Francis. Father Francis teaches me, guides me... he is very direct with me. But sweet Therese just implies things to me. Maybe it will be a poem written by her, an image of her face... something that just makes my heart say all over again... "I wanna be like her!"

Last night I was in Adoration and there was a little booklet on her. With her poems. I went home and I read them and prayed them. I was consoled and I fell asleep.

stuff # 2

Note: sorry for the lack of continuity in this post. Just wrote as the thoughts came to my head. enjoy the randomness!
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Man! you gotta read the fiction of Father Robert Hugh Benson! I finished "Come Rack! Come Rope!" two days ago and I just finished today "No other Gods." You can find his stuff here. My favorite one is "No other Gods." This one is not a historical novel, so no references to Martyrs or nothing that actually happened. But the story is beautiful in that it leaves unsaid what it has to be unsaid. You half-finish the story in your mind. But well, I have to say I've been accused of making too much out of novels and reading too much between the lines. But personally I think it is a beautiful, inspiring, joyfully Catholic (yet not overly-pious) story.
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Anywho. Next week I am taking the driving test. Another cultural barrier that's coming down, first was English, now driving, woo hoo!
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Now in a less joyful note, I have a prayer intention... I dunno if things can be solved. As for now I don't think so, but then again, God is all powerful... Please join me:

"Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee"

I throw myself at the feet of my Mother. Surely she'll know what to do next... Maybe She'll just tell me to shut my big mouth and listen and be quiet. Gosh.
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Father DeSales has been kindoff far off lately. I don't feel him "instructing me" as much as he did for a while. I'm not reading his letters as much as I used to, even though I ask for his intercession from time to time. Presently I think he is standing aside so other members of the Mystical Body can work their influence in me. Like Brother Rafael, the English Martyrs, our Beloved Mother and very specially the Spiritus Sanctus.

Father DeSales knows, like a good father, when to step away for a while.
Still, I pray for his intercession.

Beloved Father Francis, Ora pro nobis!

stuff, prayers and a Salesian Jesuit!

man... this just goes to prove that sometimes what I think its God's will really is not. Today my course at DeSales university was supposed to start but they sent me an e-mail saying that the course had to be canceled... probably because of lack of people signing up for it. They are sending back the check. Man. I am really disappointed. But oh well, God's will be done...

Please say a prayer for an special intention from yours truly. Something really sucky happened this weekend but hopefully it can be solved... thanks.

Now its time for a little Saint Trivia :) Who is the Jesuit most associated with St. Francis de Sales? A clue... without him we wouldn't know about the devotion to the Sacred Heart. give up?

St. Claude la Colombiere, S.J.

He was the spiritual director of St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, the Visitation nun to which Jesus appeared to spread the devotion to the Sacred Heart. Aside from his wisdom in directing souls, he was sent to England during the most virulent anti-catholic period. He was imprisoned and suffered a "dry" martyrdom. Meaning that he suffered everything except death. He was expelled from England and sent back to France where he died of tuberculosis which was aggravated during the harsh treatment he received in imprisonment. Because of his ties with St. Margaret Mary, he is a "Salesian Jesuit" if you want to call him that. He loved the Love of Christ, represented in His Sacred Heart and wrote much including this amazing prayer:

My God, I believe most firmly that Thou watchest over all who hope in Thee, and that we can want for nothing when we rely upon Thee in all things; therefore I am resolved for the future to have no anxieties, and to cast all my cares upon Thee.

People may deprive me of worldly goods and of honors; sickness may take from me my strength and the means of serving Thee; I may even lose Thy grace by sin; but my trust shall never leave me. I will preserve it to the last moment of my life, and the powers of hell shall seek in vain to wrestle it from me.

Let others seek happiness in their wealth, in their talents; let them trust to the purity of their lives, the severity of their mortifications, to the number of their good works, the fervor of their prayers; as for me, O my God, in my very confidence lies all my hope. "For Thou, O Lord, singularly has settled me in hope." This confidence can never be in vain. "No one has hoped in the Lord and has been confounded."

I am assured, therefore, of my eternal happiness, for I firmly hope for it, and all my hope is in Thee. "In Thee, O Lord, I have hoped; let me never be confounded."
I know, alas! I know but too well that I am frail and changeable; I know the power of temptation against the strongest virtue. I have seen stars fall from heaven, and pillars of firmament totter; but these things alarm me not. While I hope in Thee I am sheltered from all misfortune, and I am sure that my trust shall endure, for I rely upon Thee to sustain this unfailing hope.

Finally, I know that my confidence cannot exceed Thy bounty, and that I shall never receive less than I have hoped for from Thee. Therefore I hope that Thou wilt sustain me against my evil inclinations; that Thou wilt protect me against the most furious assaults of the evil one, and that Thou wilt cause my weakness to triumph over my most powerful enemies. I hope that Thou wilt never cease to love me, and that I shall love Thee unceasingly. "In Thee, O Lord, have I hoped; let me never be confounded."

saints, sleep and Love.

So... it's dawned on me. At the beginning of my prayer life I had ''night time prayer" It was pretty much just being with Him. We would just talk, or I would read a book and talk to Him, or praise Him with music or art. As my life changed and I needed more structure I was called to the Rosary, and then to the Liturgy of the Hours... but I've always had that "unstructured" just being with Him. Until some months ago. I don't even know when. I graduated from college, and started working. Somehow I became busy with 8 hours of work, giving time to family and friends, a ministry I help out with and structured prayer... but I stopped having the ''just Him and me" time... The structured prayer kept me praying and has fed me so , so I'm not going to say that it has been bad, but definitely it has been really painful, and more difficult. I kept stumbling losing focus of Him... but it was not until today that the relation between lack of my ''just Him and me" time and my difficulties has dawned on me.

See, He had called me (through St. Francis of Sales) to wake up earlier every morning for prayer. First he presented it to me as mortification. And mortification it became! gosh! the first days were wonderful, the stillness, Him. But little by little I stopped going to bed early, so it became harder and harder to wake up in the morning... now I still put on the alarm... but just to shut it off whenever it rings and go back to sleep.

I lost focus again. Its not about mortification. Not about what I am doing for Him... in every single thing that I think I am doing for Him, I should look and realize what He is doing for me. Its not about just plain obedience. Its about LOVE.

So, surfing the web today I found the writings of Hermano Rafael, a Blessed. He was a Spanish Trappist monk. Died in 1938 at the age of 27. Most of his writings are still only in Spanish (this is when I love being bilingual) I read one of his letters to his parents, one of them talks about how he struggles with sleep and how he fights it... and that's when it dawned on me. Through my good brother Rafael. I think I've found a new friend.

Please pray that I become faithful to Him who has loved me first. That I defeat sleep and encounter my beloved in the early hours of the morning. That He reveals himself to me and quiets down my soul. That we fall in love again.

Thanks.

relics and stuff

Loving Kindness. Our God is so good. Sometimes I grow scared because of the amount of evil in this messed up world. Sometimes the enemies of my soul attack furiously. And I grow scared. But how wonderful, how great, how glorious it is to have Our Good God. Our Good Shepherd, who takes us in his arms. Who never leaves when the wolves are close by. Who will defend us with His very life. I am safe. We are safe. We are in the arms of Christ, all we have to do is rest our heads against his chest, ignore the raging of the enemies and concentrate on the beating of His Heart.

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On another note, a reader commented he/she has a relic of St. Francis of Sales...man!! does anyone know what is the process to get a relic? I mean, I know a first degree is kindoff impossible, but how could I get a second or third degree? thanks! Oh! and I read somewhere that in a Visitation Convent in Italy they have his incorruptible heart! That is just amazing!

By the way, I should get back into reading his letters.. I've been kindoff neglecting him cuz' I've been having a hard time spiritually. Which is a stupid thing to do, I have to say...

Anywho, I read in a book of his letters "While feeling a holy envy for those souls to whom these letters were written..." and it got me thinking. Yeah, it would have been great to be alive back then and to be able to meet him personally, but when we think about it, they didn't have 24/7 access to him, I mean, he was an incredibly busy Bishop...but we do!

Also, before he went to Heaven, he was still very much limited by time and space, meaning that even those closest to him (Jane de Chantal) suffered separation from their beloved director... but we don't! It is true that I don't get to go to Confession with him, but most of the time neither did the people who knew him personally. So actually, I think we have it better. 24/7 access! God is so good.who hoo!

Art, the Incarnation and a Saint.

As a Catholic painter one of my main motifs has been the Ecce Homo. I am always in the lookout for unknown ''ecce homo'' paintings. Two of them have been specially significant not only in my art but in my spiritual life. One of them is this one. It was painted in the 1800's. Pretty modern in its sketch-like characteristics yet ''incarnational'' enough to be inside a Church.

Personally I believe religious art for Sanctuaries should reflect the Incarnation and therefore cannot be overly abstract. The theology behind the use of images in religious worship comes straight from the Incarnation. The Word was made flesh. That is the reason, in fact the only reason, of why we can now depict God in painting.

I am not saying that abstract art does not have a place in the ''religious art'' gallery. My own religious art tends to be mainly abstract. It does have a place...but that place is NOT inside a Church.I would never accept for one of my abstract paintings or one of my ''least realistic'' paintings to be put on a Sanctuary. It doesn't reflect the Incarnation as well as a ''realistic'' painting.

In this Ecce Homo, the wounds in the chest of Christ are powerful and painful to look at. The ropes around his neck break the straight line monotony of the background and provide fluidity and variety to the composition. One of the most touching characteristics is the red robe around the broken body of Christ. His Sacred Heart almost seems to behind the cloak. This Christ is real. You can almost see him breathing heavily and slowly. Its a real man. A real God.

But the most important characteristic of this painting is that it was painted in prayer, meditation and redemptive suffering by a great Polish Saint. Saint Brother Albert, whose baptismal name was Albert Chmielowski. There are many religious paintings, but very few of them have been created by canonized Saints. That is what makes this one so special. The heart in which this painting was conceived was a heart full of the presence of the Trinity.

Born to a wealthy aristocratic family, Albert Chmielwoski initially studied agriculture in order to manage the family estate. Involved in politics from his youth, he lost a leg at age 17 when injured while fighting in an insurrection. In Krakow, he became a popular, well-known and well-liked artist. Through his religious art he developed a growing relationship with Christ. Also his interest in politics and art made him keenly aware of the human misery around him. A gentle and compassionate soul, he felt called to help those in need.

He entered the Jesuits but because of an intense spiritual crisis he had to leave. His peace was restored when listening to a sermon on the Mercy and Love of God.

After years of reflection, he understood God was calling him to service and to Himself. He became a Franciscan Tertiary, taking the name Albert. He abandoned painting, and began a life of working with and for the poorest of Krakow. In1887 he founded the Brothers of the Third Order of Saint Francis, Servants of the Poor, known as the Albertines (named for him) or the Gray Brothers (after their rough gray habits). In 1891 he founded the women's congregation of the Order (Gray Sisters). The Albertines organized food and shelter for the poor and homeless.

Albert preached that the great calamity of our time was that so many refused to see and voluntarily relieve the suffering of their miserable brothers and sisters. The "haves" lived away from the "have-nots" in order to ignore them and leave their care to others. In 1949 a young polish priest wrote the play ''Brother of Our God'' about the life of Brother Albert. Years later, that same polish priest, now known as Pope John Paul II canonized him.

Brother Albert discovered the beauty of the Incarnation, explored it, rejoiced in it and shared it through his art, but found the final expression of his Love for the Incarnated Word in the service of other. No longer did he find Christ in pigments and canvas, for he discovered the breathing Christ in the poor.